There is more to Orthodox Christianity than a set of dogmas and canons, and there is more to an Orthodox Christian than a simple believer in these dogmas. There must be a heart, and a certain quality of that heart. There must be love, and that love must be self-sacrificial. True Christianity always leads to the Cross – and that Cross must be ours, for the life and salvation of the world; not the other way around.
As I am preparing my next trip to the US, I struggle to find a place of balance in my heart. I never had this problem before – I instantly fell in love with the US, and that love communicated itself naturally to everyone I met. Never before have I felt this need to prepare beforehand for my talks and retreats. I used to simply withdraw to a silent room for an hour or so before each event and pray. I would always pray for the same thing – to be given love for the people I meet. My spiritual father told me once that all I need to do is love the people in front of me, and so I have always asked to be given this love. They may forget my words, they may not understand or not pay attention to them, but people will always feel straight into their hearts the love I have for them. And love is never forgotten.
This time, I struggle. My love for America, and my gratitude for its people is perhaps greater than ever before, and yet I struggle. I struggle to see the beauty that was once so bright, so clear to me. I struggle to perceive that openness and welcome that made me fall in love with this nation.
I struggle, because I see people – lay people and clergy alike – who think of themselves as Orthodox Christians, yet they accept, justify and even promote use of guns against other human beings. What do I do when I meet these people? Do I smile and keep silent in the name of love? Or do I tell them the Truth in the name of Love? I struggle, because I see people who honestly believe in their hearts that they are the disciples of Christ, yet they deny health care to other human beings, and feel comfortable with the knowledge that people die as a result. Do I keep silent in the name of love, or do I tell them the Truth in the name of Love?
I struggle, because I see abuse, I see lack of love, I see racism, I see selfishness, I see rejection, I see xenophobia, I see all the things Christ has taught us to overcome. And this nation is deep in my heart, and so I struggle. What shall I say? How do you talk about Love without losing their love? What does my prayer to be given love mean anymore? How do you love one who is spiritually self-destructing?
It has been over one year since I have stopped recording my podcasts precisely because of my inability to find this place of balance in my heart. I know what the Fathers would do. I am aware that my struggle would be foreign to them, because they knew that the Love of God is greater than the love of human beings. They also knew that to love means to heal, and that healing requires sometime the harshness of Truth. They knew that the ultimate act of love for one’s brother is to sacrifice his love for you in order to save his soul.
But I am endlessly far away from the spiritual strength of the Fathers. And – because of this – I struggle.